Panz-A: New Pussy

Online dating, a damned demanding affair.

Foul and freakish in the conversations forged from it.

I couldn’t care though, the human caricatures on it have the character of cardboard,

If they bothered to reply at all.

The real wild ones would speak sentences

Tinder’s sinister statistics where on my side.

Real societal favouritism built on seeming supply and demand.

Lobsided, with low successes and high letdowns

Afterall depending on sex, your chance of getting ‘liked’

Varied from either 16% to 52% per person that sees your profile.

As of 2019, 21.9% of users were female and estimated to swipe 14% of the time, while 78.1% of users were men and swiped 46% of the time.

Tinder was, no doubt, a turnstile to a great freak show touring the world

People came to see and try their hand,

Some of these poor fools became disheartened thinking that they had good odds.

With only 50% of tinder matches meeting in real life.

Gender	​Tinder Userbase	Liking profile percentage (Orientation: Unspecified)	Profile ‘liked’ rate (Orientation: Heterosexual)
Male	78.1%	​46%	16%
Female	​21.9%	​14%	​52%

With statistics as this, the only way of getting ahead was the ‘communities’ way

The great Fascistic Ferris Wheel

Forcing users to follow the motions of the app and what others wanted,

be funny, but not offensive, stand out, but in an original way.

Of course, you gotta come up with an interesting opening as people seemingly can’t comprehend were to take a conversation with you if you opened it up by just saying ‘Hello’.

‘Nothing's "wrong" with it [Just saying hello]…It's… not interesting… most people aren't interested in people who aren't interesting.’ – MySocialAlt, R/datingoverforty

This was Nazi Grenada, no doubt

A system that strived on conformity and enthusiasm for conformity, while screwing people over.

They didn’t want individuals, they wanted fuckin’ salesmen, that could quickly and effectively pitch themselves, false or not.

There weren’t many options to be had in this case, I had briefly considered turning bisexual, to better my chances, but that seemed an unlikely outcome

I’d been sitting on about six dead end conversations, one had shown promise, but they were ‘too busy’ to meet any time.

I decided then and there the enormous importance and infallibility of Hunter S Thompson’s words: “The only way to prepare a trip like this… was to dress up like human peacocks”

I would have to make myself distinct, the most manically deranged user to download this dribble

Fascinate the freaks from all ways of life in a conformist sort’ve way

I would become ‘mature’, change my birthdate to 1943.

I would give myself a good job, none of this goddamn low labour full of love deals

One with much money and such

I would state I run a city, or, own it.

Need mystique? I’ll seem foreign and StRaNgE.

I would state my familial heritage.

Finally.

I had superseded my profile, changing its name and theme to ‘The German Occupation of Kursk’.

In the first week of this operation, my new advancement had annexed more likes than my actual profile

Quickly, I had blitzkrieged through the ratings

It seemed some people had a hard time believing I was who I said I was, but why?

Was it that, far-fetched to think I was actually the Russian city of Kursk Occupied by German Forces since defeated?

No matter, It was of interest to individuals, this Anschluß of likes.

Reaching over 50 likes in the first week of operation, more than I believe I had gotten in the months I had held my real profile.

No doubt this was Nazi Grenada.

I had ‘conformed’

Appearing ‘interesting’ and ‘funny’ through ‘absurdist’ humour.

I wasn’t who I was

Whether people truly believed I was a German Occupied City in the Heart of Soviet Russia, I would never know, all I knew,

I was a goddamn masked freak, a catfish making a splash by not being me and advertising myself in a way digestible to everyone else.

The trick it seemed was to ‘heil’ the loudest, follow the established notions with a twist, be a bland salesman with a good pitch and no personality.

Afterall, Strike the Swastika and leave the strange and sensational on the profile and people would seemingly scream with laughter, truly it solved the major problem with online dating;

Lack of Intimacy?

No

Fear for the rejections you may face?

No

The seeming deepening drought of decent sons and daughters to date?

No

Bland Openings?

Yes

Truly, there is no greater opener then ‘you were the profile I Third Reiched’

In goose-stepping’ to a slightly differing beat, I had managed to garner attention, simply by not being me and becoming a ‘good’ ol’ salesman

but even if I were to upset these goddamn drones, it didn’t matter.

What would they do, report me?

Oh no! Then I will get kicked off the app were people haven’t mastered the art of conversation!

Even then it didn’t matter, just follow the crowd while ‘goose-stepping’ in a more satisfactory way and enthusiastically, they’ll let you go man.

As was the case, with my most hostile of matches.

I remember him as he had jokingly put in his profile that his pronouns were ‘your/man’, he opened a line of communication.

Match: ‘I know your profiles a joke but the amount you know about Nazis is lame and you should feel lame. Also liking world war 2 is not a personality trait you total utter dork. I’m sorry you had a rough time in high school’

Me: ‘…I assume I cannot utilise the pronouns your man anymore?’

Match: ‘I’ll take my/man only because you didn’t respond like an anti semite. Sorry for coming in swinging like that…’

Before I knew it, we were talking shit on our mutual disdain for Nazism and our interests, plans to meet up and hang out being formed.

Just like that, I had gotten back in their good books, gone with the values wanted while drawing attention to myself, the fucking freak show forwarded.